I can not trust him

"The teenager needs to escape the control of his parents to become independent," says child psychologist Daniel Marcelli, "it's obvious that some people still have trouble admitting."

Anne Lanchon

"Classical scene of family life:" Where were you this afternoon? "With whom, why did not you warn me?" To these reproaches, barely disguised as questions, your teen answers evasively, pretends that you knew about it, and accuses you of "flipping." It must be said that his little lies and secretiveness have somewhat undermined your self-confidence.How do you know if your mistrust expresses a healthy and legitimate vigilance or a desire to control

To grow up, teens need to escape the control of their parents: this seems obvious, yet some When they do not know where their child is, they always imagine the worst: an accident, an assault, a transgression ... In reality, these adults, anxious and overprotective, are caught in separation anxieties. who may be sending them back to their own adolescence. Were their parents stifling, or, conversely, too lax, perceived as indifferent? Interrogating this relationship helps to understand the relationship between them and their child, and to strike a balance between tolerance and control.

Becoming the father or the mother of a teenager is also discovering and accepting that this one escapes us in part, and that he can be safe and happy away from us. But for that, you still have to let go of the bridle, gradually. From the age of 12, we will be able to give him one or two hours of freedom in the afternoon, then an evening from time to time, by setting a return time adapted to his age. In case of breach of contract, parents will strongly disagree, but allow a second try before sanctioning.

To trust a young person is essential. This amounts to empowering him, and thereby helps to establish his narcissism. "If my parents allow me to go out alone, he believes, it is that I am able. "Manifesting his mistrust, on the other hand, keeps him in infantile dependencies that prevent him from asserting himself. Also, when he leaves the house, we will resist the temptation to call him every quarter of an hour to check that everything is going well. Or question him relentlessly on the way back, even if we burn with curiosity. Let's keep in mind that the more we invade his space of freedom, the more he is tempted to lie or hide in order to protect himself. Better leave him the initiative to call us or tell us his exit, if he wishes. The "good" teenage parent is one who is both discreet and available."

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