My name is Lisbeth, I am anorexic since the age of 10 (first crisis at 10 years old, second at 20, rest home and depression ).
Today, in full anorexia again since February, I already lost 8 kilos and this week-end, I still lost 2. In fact, I had a fight with my parents, especially with my mother who blames me all her life. She says that it's been 20 years that I make her "shit", and that it's my fault if they do not get along with my father (while it's been more than 25 years that it lasts).
I am thirty years old, and am married to a soldier. We have two children together that we love. We have no problem between us. We are very complicit, we have a lot in common: in short, everything to be happy.
We live near Besançon. My parents are in Gap and my in-laws in the Landes. We never see anyone, because of the distance, it seems, so we always end up going down there. Everytime.
I have a big brother with whom I get on very well, a maternal grandmother whom I consider my mother, since she kept us all day. But she is 80 years old and I have to clean up. In addition, my grandfather is sick, we went down on purpose to see him because he is not well: he underwent an operation in November (he had a lung cancer that was removed, it 's is awful.)
My mother took advantage of my state of anorexia to get even deeper. Since Wednesday, I am on anti-depressants, it does not delight me at all because I know too much about the system. I want to fight for my family: my husband and my children. Let others go to hell!
I would like to have your opinion, please help me.
The opinion of Jacques Salome
For your anorexia, I feel helpless. Because the listening of this "particular language" (I consider, in fact, diseases as symbolic languages with which we try to say and ... to hide the unspeakable) supposes a long and continuous listening, of the type psychotherapy.
1) What happened at 10 years old?
But perhaps you have noticed that your "recovery from anorexia" is in direct contact with the relationship you have with your mother, your disqualifying experience on her part.
"Twenty years you make it" shit "!" she says. Is it to avoid filling it and thus to force it to "shit", that you deprive yourself of food? You're 30, your first anorexia started at age 10, then at 20 ... It's been 20 years since you "pissed him off!" What happened at 10 years old?
It is up to you Lisbeth to agree to do some intimate and family archeology.Yes, what happened when you were 10 years old, which is unspeakable and hidden to the point of screaming in anger, such as anorexia? What aggression, what violence, have you garnered in your body to the point of no longer accepting to fill it ...? Since you locate your first crisis at 10 years!
What resurfaced after 20 years? First sexual encounter, breakup, loss of a loved one (flesh!). You alone know it. I invite you to find a place to speak about it, to hear you especially.
2) Tell your mother not to mix up relations
That your mother disqualifies you, makes you responsible for her difficulties with her husband, is an easily manageable thing. Just use the confirmation by not mixing relationships.
When she accuses you, for example, of being responsible for the disagreement between "your father" and her, there is a confusion of relationship. There is no disagreement between your father and her, but between her husband and her. This is at the level of the conjugal relationship and therefore of their sexuality, if there has been transgression ... or not.
You can confirm it to him.
3) Does your relationship to your mother seem toxic to you?
Perhaps you can find out what happened in your life in February (recovery from anorexia). Did your mother have you at 30? Or what happened to her at 30? I call this making "connections", to bring together two apparently distant orders of events which, connected, will make sense.
That said, if the relationship with your mother seems toxic to you (to the point that any food, symbolizing its presence, is unacceptable to you), perhaps it will be necessary to find the right distance and see it only at homeopathic dose ... that is to say at least and for a very short time.
Wishing you many discoveries on this path of life.
Resource book: Tales to heal, tales to grow (Editions Albin Michel).