Will I have been too possessive?

I slept with a man during our second meeting. He said he was in love, but do not give me any more news. Being in psychotherapy for ten years, I thought and I think it's because I was too possessive. Do you believe it too? Nathalie, Nice

Claude Halmos

Psychoanalyst

answers

Your letter is important because it shows how, caught up in psychotherapy, one can be led to "psychologize" things that do not have to be.

You are, indeed, confronted by a man who, after a first sexual relation with you, does not seem eager to see you again. And to explain this refusal, which is - rightly - painful, you start the "machine to analyze". Which leads you to think that you are the one responsible for the situation.

I do not know if you're as "possessive" and "stifling" as you say, but I think it does not have much to do with what's going on anyway. Because the reality seems to me more banal and stupid. It often happens that, after a first sexual experience, one of the partners does not have the desire to see the other. And that does not question the value or qualities of this "other". It's only a matter of sensitivities that do not agree, or not enough.

Men also have a different relationship to women than women: they "attach" themselves less easily than to their partners.

You seem to have planned a lot on your companion for a night, and blindly believed everything he said to you, without trying to understand who he was and what he really wanted.

I think it would be useful for you to get out of your dream. This would certainly allow you to stop blaming yourself and help you look elsewhere.

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