He wanted me to harm

For years, the one I considered as my "second dad" had moved things to me. As far back as my memory goes, it is present in my memories. He knows me since I was born. It was only at the age of 12 that I realized that this man was "trying to hurt me". I could have understood it well before, but I think I was used to his actions that started when I was very young. But that day he wanted us to play "like when I was little" and I found myself on the ground. I do not have the courage to give details, but I came out "unscathed". He did not rape me.

Later, I forced myself to remember every day that I had spent with him, and the truth struck me: his gestures, the "cuddles", nothing was really healthy. But at the time, I did not know it, and I do not remember seeing it without it. Yet I grew up with him, I was at home from the age of one. I'm afraid I do not know everything, I do not remember everything, it was so "natural". I talked to my grandmother, and she said, "I know." She knew, but she did not do anything to protect me. She even asked me not to say anything. When I spoke to my mother, I think she did not believe me. My father did not know until four years later. I had to force my mother to talk to me about it so that she would say "I believe you".

Today, I do not know how to locate myself. Am I a victim? Victim of what? Was it my fault, did he love me? All I know is that it was wrong. I might have been able to overcome that, but someone would have to protect me, someone would believe me and listen to me, take my hand when I was 12 years old. When I was 18, my mother told me that if I wanted to make a complaint, it was my problem, that I was quite tall. But I think it's too late. I never saw him again, he tried to write to me, but I never answered him. I am scared. Today he has two children, and I blame myself because I do not know what he's going to do to them. And finally, it will be my fault if he does something to them, because I would not have spoken.

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